Of Fires and Scars

Well I did not plan on posting anything today but then again, I think most of my planning instincts were knocked out of me by that moving vehicle. I have two main things to say today and let's see how long it takes to say them.

First, the beginnings of my scar are now clear on my right foot. In a thin, silver shimmery line I have what looks like a 3 that leans to the right about the size of the width of my finger. No, the rest of my foot is not healed so I am eager to see how the rest will turn out. It is not obviously clear except in certain lights (though to be honest, no place in Thailand has good lighting). To the touch it just feels like a callous. It is silly, but I am a little proud of it, though let's see if the rest of it turns out ugly or not.

My second topic was something that did not become apparent to me until yesterday and was something I wanted to wrestle with on my own before posting. Thailand has rid me of a lot of my fears and exposed areas where I surprisingly did not have any fear. Yesterday, in my last two classes, the windows were open, as they usually are, and the smell of smoke wafted in. My stomach and chest tightened at the smell and I nearly bolted from the room. I did not because I could not. I needed to teach and running would just be stupid. The entire situation puzzled me because believe it or not, I was not afraid during the hotel fire. I was extremely focused. Focused on the people around me and just taking each step quickly as it was possibly safe. There was no worrying about what floor I was on or how much more to go before we were out of the building. Just steps, steps, steps and people all around me and we were all flowing where we needed to go. So why in the world if I was not afraid then am I afraid now? The smell of smoke that is not identifiable as wood, kerosene, incense or candles makes my insides scream RUUUUUUUUUUUN louder than any instinct I have. And the smoke I smelled yesterday was not a fire used for food or entertainment. Obviously, I am not okay with this new development. So new goal, get rid of this new feeling before I leave the country that gave it to me. I WILL be able to enjoy a campfire again and that will be that. Though exposing myself repeatedly to it so that I can get over it is going to suck. Oh well.